Why the day was not salvageable:

1. I woke up multiple times with my nose stuffy, unable to breathe. Realized my sinuses have been hurting for months.
2. Hate my hair and I am bored with it. Recognize that I am actually bored with my face.
3. Become convinced that my sinus pain is some rare inoperable sinus tumour and I will lose my nose as punishment for my vanity.
4. Had to witness the CNE in full swing which is always a sad signifier of the end of summer.
5. I am bloated beyond belief. It is not natural for one person to be this bloated. I may be minutes away from an alien bursting from my belly, I am that bloated.
6. Wore a peasant style white blouse that I thought looked cute and billowy to help hide the bloat. Caught a reflection of myself in a window and realized that I look like a deranged pregnant pioneer clown.
7. Had a craving for a burrito although I should have had something healthy instead. It was bland, the lettuce tasted off and most of it fell on my white blouse and the front of my pants so that I looked like a messy deranged clown.
8. All the fruit in Kensington market was too squishy and over ripe.
9. My beloved sunglasses broke. I knew the day would come and had been dreading it. They were big and perfect. Not so big that I looked like an insect or an Olsen twin but they were just right. The arm managed to snap spontaneously in a weird spot. They cannot be saved.
10. Now I will have to squint and add to my ever deepening forehead furrow.
11. Found the perfect flitting-about-the-city sundress at Courage My Love until I realized that the side seams were disintegrating. Put it back on the rack with a heavy heart, my dreams of skipping to a picnic in a sweet vintage sundress dashed.
12. Decided that the only way the day could be saved would be with a pint of chocolate Haagen Das, which is usually the answer to emergencies. Went to the hateful grocery store that is always crowded, the aisles are too narrow and the cashiers always seem to be in training. Discovered that they had every ice cream flavour but chocolate. I don’t want rocky road or Mayan chocolate or chocolate chunk. Why do they have to keep inventing more ice cream with stuff in it that just interferes with its essence. A nut or two in a nut ice cream, fine, I get it. I love pistachio and enjoy some pistachio nuts in my pistachio ice cream. They belong there. I do not need Swiss chocolate covered almonds swirled with toffee, marshmallows and bits of gum in my chocolate ice cream. I don’t want to eat it with a fork and knife.
13. Stomp off in a huff and walk to the next grocery store. They too are out of classic plain chocolate. Why wouldn’t a grocery store carry extra plain chocolate since it is the obviously the most popular flavour? Feel a wrath building within and wish the alien would burst out of my belly now and take out the entire grocery store. Practically frothing at the mouth I grab the Mayan Chocolate, a box of Kraft Dinner and angrily tap my foot in line.
14. On my way home I witness one of those horrible urban cyclists who insist on wearing gas masks while biking to protect their delicate lungs from car exhaust. Just because they can’t handle the fumes do they really need to scare the rest of us by looking like some post apocalyptic Mad Max style eco-zombie?
15. As if I am not disturbed enough, I pass a couple who simultaneously cover their ears against the offending squeak of a passing streetcar. I hate these people as much as I hate the people who cover their ears on the subway. I know it’s not fair to hate these people. They should be allowed to protect their delicate eardrums if they want to, but I hate them anyway.
16. Almost howling with fury I enter the house and close the blinds. Thank goodness they are not those horrible white plastic blinds. I despise those. Just thinking about them sends me into a new fit of anger.
17. Try the Mayan Chocolate ice cream. As I suspected the spice distracts from the pure chocolate flavour. Eat it anyway. Eat the entire box of Kraft Dinner even though I didn’t add enough milk and it is dry and flavourless. Watch alien stomach expand even more.
18. Listen to the weather guy reporting a cold front and rain passing through Ontario. So what else is new this cold and wet summer.
19. Chide myself that if this is the extent of my problems I should really be thanking my lucky stars and be grateful for the amazing life I have.
20. Tell myself to save my “have an attitude of gratitude” pep talks for another day when I feel like listening to cliches.
21. Rub huge belly. Feel bitter and call it a night.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 29th, 2009 at 3:48 pm and is filed under Rants . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.