Suck it Autumn

Along with bracing myself for cooler temperatures and shorter days, I have to endure the autumn apologists. There are always those who have to share their misguided love of fall with me.

The glory of blazing coloured leaves? Great. Enjoy them while they last because after one big gust of wind they are gone, leaving nothing but bare ghostly branches, shivering squirrels and rain in their wake. Not the warm summer rain that makes everything sultry and steamy but the cold, dreary kind that runs down the back of your neck like nasty, clammy fingers. Likewise, there is always talk about the joys of crisp air. You can call it what you like but crisp is really a sneaky way to say cold. Cold makes my shoulders rise to my ears and the tips of my fingers icy so that people recoil when I touch them.

I am tired of the apple cheerleaders. Just because apples are plentiful and portable doesn’t make them great. They are not plump little bursts of sweetness like berries. They are tart, boring and insufferable, an overrated fruit if ever there was one. And need I remind anyone which fruit caused Adam and Eve to be cast out of Eden? It wasn’t the juicy strawberry now was it?

As far as comfort goes, the sandal beats the boot any day. Do feet really want to be stuffed into confining boots when they can be wiggling in delight and enjoying fresh air in a sandal? Is crunching through dry, dusty leaves that could be harbouring all kinds of mites really preferable to frolicking through soft grass with bare feet?

A friend tried to be helpful and suggested I cheer myself up with patterned tights. I spit on the patterned tight. I am not blessed with gazelle-like, slender legs and do not need to be drawing attention to that area. Pulling on a pair of tights is an ordeal. Inevitably they get twisted halfway up my legs and as soon as they are up I start feeling the horrible waistband digging into my tummy. A flimsy summer dress with bare legs is much more comfortable.

How can I jump on the bandwagon for shorter days? Why rejoice over a day that sees so little sunlight that it feels like bedtime at 5pm?  I suppose the autumn apologists prefer to chop the day off at the knees.

What do fall lovers have against chirping birds? Because you know they are leaving soon. Birds know better than to stick around when the icy weather arrives. Who would prefer to wake up in darkness and silence rather than light and chirping? Most animals are burrowing into holes knowing that the only way to survive this dreadful time is to crawl into a den, sleep and hope when they wake up again it’ll be all over.

Halloween and Thanksgiving? That is all you offer me in the way of fall holidays? Ghouls and slaughtered turkeys? How about the fact that every day feels like a celebration in the summer?

Perhaps I sound a trifle negative. Do I have to remind everyone what season comes after fall? Is everyone so short sighted? A few crunchy leaves, apples pies and gourds are supposed to make that nightmare around the corner more palatable?  I am not that easily swayed. If autumn lovers want to merrily ride on a harvest wagon to doom, they can be my guest, but I am not going to drink the cider.

5 Responses to “Suck it Autumn”

  1. drollgirl Says:

    oh you poor thing. you sound so unhappy with fall. i feel that way about stupid sweaty summer. i can’t stand it! who wants to sweat and stink and be miserable with mosquitos buzzing around? NOT ME! warm is ok, but HOT is horrible!

    i have to admit that today i was a big sniffly when i woke up to grey and sprinkly weather. wah. i think i just want it to be 70-80 all the time unless i decree that it should be otherwise. fat chance of me getting that wish!

    buck up, little camper! and you need to move to warmer territory as winter is NOT your friend!

  2. mlle_ciel Says:

    Poor you! Here’s a poem that I found on the Internet. I know it won’t make you feel any better… but the sweetie will like it!

    Ode to Apples

    You’re delicious and nutritious,
    and when I open you,
    you show me a flower
    with five seeds
    planted inside.
    You’re as soft as silk
    and when I make pie crust
    to put you in,
    I gently put you down.
    And it feels like I am wrapping you in a blanket.
    You are healthy and
    good for my body.
    When I bite into you
    it feels like a thousand doves swooped me up
    and I was lifted to heaven.
    You’re so wonderful
    and make me joyful.

    By Emma, 3rd grade

  3. zoltan Says:

    really nice prose, well done! xoxo

  4. Linda Hall Says:

    This is a terrific rant ( of course I agree) but you should send it to Rick Mercer.
    You are talented

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