In the lead up to Christmas this past year everything felt more plentiful. Work was busy. There was stinky blue cheese and salty olives in the fridge, clients were plying me with tasty bottles of wine and chocolates and there was a spirit of good cheer all around me. It is easy to feel abundance when goodies are coming through the door on a regular basis.
I have never thought of my life and had abundance spring to mind. I never imagined myself rich. It just never really occurred to me. Partly I could feel smug, thinking that I am above material aspirations, but I am not really deep or spiritual or above any of that at all. I like pretty things. I’d like to not have to deal with a landlord for the rest of my life. I really really love boots. I want to travel unhindered by my finances and buy pretty foreign things to put in my landlord-free place.
Maybe I just never believed that abundance was possible for me. Or maybe it is just complacency. Perhaps I am afraid to imagine it or afraid to think that I deserve it, in any of its forms: success, recognition, satisfaction, unabashed happiness and glee. The dreams that I am afraid to verbalize are tucked away somewhere safe and untouchable so that I won’t be disappointed if they don’t materialize. If I am not conscious and hopeful and open to abundance, how will I ever see it when it comes?
With the new year things settled back into a regular routine, but this sense of abundance lingered. I look in the fridge and the stinky cheese and olives are gone but I have hearty soups in Ziploc bags sitting in the freezer. A client arrives with a gorgeous pair of boots that are a little too tight for her and offers them to me. My girlfriend and I go for a walk in the cold morning air and laugh to the point of tears in a cheap coffee shop, all rosy cheeked and rejuvenated. My mom calls me to check in and just have a little chat. The Sweetie lays his head on my lap while we are cuddled up watching television in our comfy pajamas. I am not lacking a thing. I am surrounded by abundance.
I know it sounds like a contradiction, on one hand telling myself that it is okay to want more, while at the same time recognizing that I should be completely satisfied with all that I have. Perhaps I also have an abundance of contradictions. It is okay to aspire for more, on a material, spiritual or emotional level, but at the same time it is important to recognize abundance in all its forms – right here, right now. Even if I never get another pair of free boots or box of chocolates I still have it all.