Vegan Fail

The warm weather has finally arrived and I am starting to believe that summer may happen after all. With the joy of summer, however, comes the fleshy reality of a winter spent on the couch self medicating with carbs. Not being able to hide under layers of sweaters and heavy coats is a little scary.

Feeling some desperation setting in, I read reviews of the latest diet books promising rapid results. Rapid is the operative word. Diets are challenging for me because I don’t eat meat and many seem to be based on lean meats and steamed vegetables. One book promised up to eight pounds of weight loss in five days by only eating spinach, eggs, raspberries, yogurt and almonds. Five days of this culinary snore-fest might help me lose weight but I would likely die of boredom and wouldn’t be around to enjoy my new lean self.

Then I found it. The 21 Day Weight Loss Kickstart claimed that I could lose up to six pounds in a week. It was a vegan diet so I wouldn’t need to worry about finding substitutions for meat. I wouldn’t have to count calories, and the clincher: I wouldn’t have to exercise. Perfect. I bought some soy milk and started making plans for my new lighter summer self.

My heart sank when I read that some of this miraculous weight loss involved cutting out fat. It claimed that I could squeeze a lemon on my vegetables and I wouldn’t miss creamy salad dressings. Oh, I beg to differ. I had also somehow overlooked the fact that being a vegan means not eating cheese. As I was panicking about this sacrifice I heard about a cheese festival taking place this weekend in Prince Edward County. Squeaky cheese curds in a beautiful country setting served with alcoholic cider were waiting for me. Obviously it was a sign from the cheese gods. They weren’t ready to let me go, and who can blame them? I am their most faithful minion. Moreover, it is gelato season. Summer is so fleeting and if I can’t traipse about with a dripping cone of dreamy pistachio gelato, why even have summer?

It comes down to choices. Do I choose to be a smaller size or to enjoy delicious, fat-laden, creamy dairy? Dairy wins. Screw you vegans! You can kiss my cottage cheesy ass.

2 Responses to “Vegan Fail”

  1. morgan Says:

    I am right there with you, girl! Cheese is like my kryptonite!

  2. aig63 Says:

    Phew! I was worried there for a minute; thought you might have bit into a Big Mac!
    Now add some fries and gravy to those curds and you’ve got yourself a meal :)