1. Feel relieved that I got turning 40 out of the way last year
2. Start dreading turning 45
3. Realize that I didn’t fulfill any of my secret plans for the year
4. Rejoice that I didn’t share my secret list so that I don’t feel like an underachiever
5. Feel like an underachiever anyway
6. Briefly feel depressed and wish I was a Type A personality who would actually get things done
7. Comfort myself that I would probably be stressed all the time if I was a Type A
8. Realize that half the time I am comparing myself to people who’s lives I wouldn’t want anyway
9. Stare at my belly roll and fear that I am getting middle aged spread
10. Feel bitter that I am supposed to eat less as I age when I still have the appetite of a teenage boy
11. Kick myself for worrying about petty things when I should have accepted myself by now
12. Feel superficial and vain
13. Try to think of something deep to contemplate on my birthday
14. Come up with nothing
15. Worry that I am developing a dowager hump
16. Take stock of the year and concentrate on my accomplishments
17. Think for a really long time and feel hard pressed to come up with anything
18. Briefly feel depressed again
19. Regret that I didn’t backpack through Europe before I started university
20. Wonder how travel to India, Thailand, Istanbul and spending the winter in Mexico fits with my goal to get out of debt
21. Look at celebrities in their forties and compare myself to them
22. Consider starting a botox fund
23. Hope that I won’t succumb to injections and end up looking like the Joker
24. Feel bad that I am critical of other women and their choices when we should all be part of the sisterhood
25. Wonder if I should go back to the Zen Buddhist temple for spiritual guidance and group meditation
26. Remember that I hate group activities
27. Feel proud that Buddha was also a Taurus
28. Realize that feeling smug about sharing a sign with Buddha probably isn’t very Buddhist
29. Wonder about my life’s purpose
30. Plan to go for a psychic reading
31. Feel like a flake for wanting a psychic reading
32. Wish that I could get my astrological chart done but realize my parents have always been very vague about my time of birth
33. Wonder if my sister is right and I really was adopted
34. Say a brief thank you for the wonderful family and friends I have in my life
35. Give myself a high-five for nabbing The Sweetie
36. Reiterate my belief that so long as I have love, true connection and health, I have it all
37. Feel like I am spouting platitudes
38. Don’t care if I am cliched, feel lucky anyway
39. Consider going for therapy
40. Get bored of myself
41. Start secret list of everything I will accomplish by the time I am fifty

So I am not a loser. I knew that yesterday even when my throat was scratchy and my bank account was empty and I was examining myself under the cruelest mean girl microscope and compared myself to every accomplished achiever go-getter out there. I complained about my belly rolls and my lack of will power and organizational skills and lack of any tangible accomplishments. Then The Sweetie made me laugh and was patient when I went on a huge rant and we sipped tea in bed. I ate amazing baked black beans I had made and I thought about the people I love who love me back. I may be an underachiever, I may be poor, I may eat way too much chocolate and fried food and have flabby triceps, but I still won the lottery in this twisty, turning, fragile, tender life.

And I still hate doing my taxes.

(found here, who found it here.)

Maybe if I had found this earlier I wouldn’t be in dire need of a beach vacation. I know it is sick and there may be something wrong with me but I love this clip so much. It instantly transports me to a peaceful place. How can something so wrong feel so right?

(Found here, thanks to the very droll Drollgirl who led me there.)

I am not a fan of winter. I spend my days shuffling around the house in my bathrobe doing my best Howard Hughes impersonation waiting for spring to arrive. My winter activities are reduced to advanced hibernation, hiding from people as much as possible, eating lots of carbs and staring at the television until my mind is adequately numbed.

Here then are my top choices for temporarily melting a frozen winter-hating heart:

1. Almost anything involving Will Ferrell, especially Anchorman. I love love love Will Ferrell. He is shameless and I love him for that. I am proud to let my low brow humour flag fly.

2. Zoolander- Cheap laughs of the immature variety. (See Will Ferrell above.)

3. This is Spinal Tap, a classic.

4. Anything by Wes Anderson for the soundtracks alone. Where else can I hear Portuguese versions of David Bowie songs.

5. An Officer and a Gentleman - because a young Richard Gere can warm the loins and I never get tired of the final scene when he whisks Debra Winger away from her boring factory job and she gets to wear his hat. Way to go Paula!

6. Now Voyager with Betty Davis. I love how she is a frumpy downtrodden old maid with unkempt eyebrows, has a breakdown, gets a make over at the sanatorium and comes back with groomed brows, goes on a cruise and finds forbidden and tragic love. Bette Davis is the best.

7. Stella Dallas with Barbara Stanwick, another feisty dame who has my utmost love and respect. Sometimes despite everything you have to give in and cry your eyes out and this heart breaker is guaranteed to deliver.

8. Team America, because I am a fourteen year old boy trapped in a woman’s body.

9. Flight of the Conchords. Not a movie, but a brilliant TV show, guaranteed to delight with its giddy goofiness.

10. Dr. Zhivago, because I could swim in Omar Sharif’s liquidy eyes forever and regardless of how cold and bleak the winter gets it’ll never look as cold and bleak as Russia during the Bolshevik revolution.